Lying partially awake in a painful medicated doze as I have been since attempting bed 2 hours ago, I have been trying to think of how to describe the pain which currently engulfs me.
My belly is swollen; I must be ovulating as both sides of my abdomen feel bulky and sore, and the ususal medication that helps (Solpadol) just isn’t doing it. I can take more than the recommended dose as I sometimes do to actually get some relief from it, but long term I become reliant on the codeine so it’s a vicious circle.
The heat from whatever goes on inside is the thing that mostly keeps me awake. It’s a heavy heat, inflated, bulky, inescapable and searing. It pulls so my back feels weary and my swollen belly eminates a reluctant heat, giving off the distressed signals of a body internally self-destructing and in despair with no route of escape.
This week I called the clinic and said I was ready to try Zoladex. You may remember me debating it here.
I have to give something a try, and a false menopause offers me some hope. I am heartened that a dear friend has also just taken the plunge so we can live the hot flushes and HRT side effects together.
I am scared, not least because there is every chance it will make my depression worse – the black cloud has been omnipresent since my poor compromised immune system had flu for 10 days and is now plagued with endo pain.
I will also have worsened symptoms at first, so I know I need to go through that before seeing any effect.
But I have to try it. Just to tick it off the list.
Who knows? It may give me some relief and a body with more energy for a few months at least.