Last Thursday I decided, along with my partner and endo specialist Dr Mathur to have a full abdominal hysterectomy.
I have had enough.
17 years into this disease, I am opting to butcher my body, to have my womb, ovaries, Fallopian tubes, ovaries – the full kit and caboodle- out.
I felt sick last week. Terrified, anxious, emotional, and grieving for my inner bits, the organs which have caused me pain for so long but which also grew my beautiful babies. I had a meltdown in John Lewis and everything (classic moment). I am scared; scared of a massive open surgery operation with 2 months recovery, scared of instant menopause (castration, anyone?!) scared that I have not done enough to stop this. But, enough is enough. I have two wonderful miracle toddlers and want to play and be with them as much as I can.
So. The latest step in my Endometriosis journey is around the corner.
Why haven’t I done this before? Because this is a big op, it may still not heal me and I may still be in pain. So, it’s not the easy matter-of-fact choice many believe it to be.
I truly believe that in some circumstances the body can heal itself. I believe nutrition and lifestyle play a huge part in management of conditions, and I have seen massive improvements from the changes I have made . But, unless I am drinking raw juice and doing yoga daily on a beach I just don’t feel I am going to get this thing nailed on my own. If, indeed, it is ever possible to do so. For me.
So, I am now awaiting the date to get the Big H..and I am working on getting myself in a place of acceptance for it.
I don’t want to be writing this post for several reasons. Firstly, I dont want to be doing it and had hoped to not come to this point. Secondly, it’s a very personal choice and I do not wish to be judged for it; my experience of the internet and it’s corners of nastiness lately have left me rather timid with sharing personal journeys. However, I founded Project Endo to help other women and my story in it’s entirety is part of that mission. I am aware that there are women out there who have not been so lucky as me with fertility, and I have two healthy girls. I am aware there are those who oppose any medical intervention in the treatment of disease. But, I say that everyone is their own boss. No one can really judge without living my life daily, and personal choices are exactly that. Personal.
If truth be told, if it were just me I would still hang on but I have been bessed with Eva and Mia and I am doing it for them. I want them to have a mum who can play most of the time, not half the time or less. I am fully aware that even this drastic butchery may not help my pain and may even throw me other curve balls, but I feel I need to do it for my girls.
I owe them a mother.
I really and truly believe in natural therapies, in holistic approaches and complementary medicine, and I am 100% sure I would be so much worse without all the measures I have put in place.
I am a champion of the patient as expert, and think that if you get to know your own body well, then you know your limits and how much you can take. I can’t take much more.
I expect there to be an expectation for everything to be ok following the op, that I will be “back ot normal”. Well, I haven’t been normal for two decades in terms of health, so this is another step in my journey.
I am so grateful to have my girls. I am grateful for all that my organs have provided for me and I feel so sad to let them go. This is not an easy choice.
However, I used to grieved for the children I didn’t think I would have, and I won’t let myself grieve for anymore time lost when I have one last choice left to try.
My endo has given me education on health, nutrition, and looking after my body. It makes me appreciate the good days.
Also, there are wonderul women out there I know of who are bravely battling terminal illnesses; let’s get some perspective, this is by far an easier thing to take.
So – there you have it. My Big H is on the way. Send DVD’s, yoga pants and dark chocolate. And thanks for reading.