As I write, my beloved Scribs and Candice from Team Bangs should be around half way through the Boutique Run 10k.
Of course I wish I was there. I wish I was running, supporting my team and being part of an amazing event that I have trained for and inspired people to be part of.
So, I had to take the hard choice today to not go. I have been in so much pain with endo that doing much today is tricky, walking is painful, let alone running.
That said, I know that come tomorrow, or maybe the next day, I will be out there doing my miles, back on track with my training. Endo occasionally calls the shots, but what has changed in me this last year is that I REFUSE, point-blank, to let myself feel negative, depressed, or held back. Hells bells, I do more with my life than lots of people who enjoy no health problems whatsoever, and the fact that endo is part of my life allows me to fully embrace life when I am able to get out there.
The fact that my lovely Sarah understood reminds me that people who know me and understand my condition always will understand. If they don’t? See ya later. My Team Bangs ladies have been enormously supportive today, as other days – there are ups and downs in this journey but all part of the scenery, non?
I really think it’s so much better to have put myself up for things and to sometimes withdraw when my body dictates than to never try at all.
Obviously, I am training for the half mara in September, so what happens if pain hits that day? It very well might ya know. But I will be there, even if, as I said to Bangs, I am up to my eyeballs on painkillers and being driven round te course in a rickshaw. For me the training is the journey. This week alone I have been thrilled to see that other women have been tempted to dust their trainers down; that other endo girls are feeling inspired that life isn’t over for us because we live with a shit disease, that for me, I am proving to myself, and all you lovely people who read Dexterous Diva, that I am someone who goes out and gets life.
I quit, yes, but I ain’t no quitter. Not long-term, not in the bigger picture, not when it counts, in my heart and my mind.
Positive mental attitude is a difficult thing when a body is in pain EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
To stay positive requires real channelling of energies, thought patterns and constant work at not letting it get me down. After all, I may have 20 years or so left of this damned thing.
Thanks to all who sponsored me for today. I have donated the train fare I save to endo, and will run a 10k locally next Sunday (if I can!) to honour the donations.
Much love from a sore, smiling, but happy Diva.